Growing Up, Growing Down

Yesterday, we bought Sam’s school uniform, put together “big boy beds” for my three oldest, and gave my baby’s now-outgrown bassinet to a new home. I’m kind of “growing-up”-ed out, people.

We are about to transition to the “school years” in a few weeks when our oldest starts Kindergarten. To be honest, I am heartbroken over the loss of our current season, and I’m having to make a concerted effort to be excited about all the moments ahead. 

The “little years” have been difficult and exasperating at times, sure, but it has been overwhelmingly joyful and sweet to have all four of our little ones home together. I have experienced God’s goodness in this season. I know the contours of his kindness in these little years. And I have no idea what his goodness will look like or what it will bring about as we start the “school years.” I ask his Spirit to bring life and joy and to do a new thing in this new phase, but I know life and joy and renewal are so often born out hard things. And I feel myself bracing for impact rather than opening my hands. 

Even without my presence, Sam will still be hidden in Christ, safe and cared for and never without his presence. This transition is yet another step in the long process of taking Sam’s hand and placing it into the hand of Jesus. It is so, so hard some days, but I know it’s good. I know it’s the way to Life—for Sam, and for me.

A writer I follow recently shared the story of her emergency appendectomy. As they were putting the mask over her face, she said to the surgeon, “Wow—I’m really nervous. Are you nervous?” And the surgeon smiled at her, and said, “No. I’m not nervous at all.” That image has been a calming hand on my anxious heart today.

I am not ready to say goodbye to this joyful, fruitful, beautiful season of having my Sam-man at home, and these weeks of preparation have been tender. For all that is to be gained as our kids grow into who God made them to be, I have been surprised by how much my heart is grieved by all this growing up.

So if grief is going to have a presence in this season, I pray that God will do all he intends to do in it, that his Spirit won’t leave a single thing undone in my heart that he desires to do in these days. 

As my kids grow up, I pray he’ll grow my roots down.